There’s a TikTok trend going around called “the performative man”—a satirical take on guys who do the bare minimum but make it look like maximum effort. He’s flipping a pancake like it’s a CrossFit workout. He answers one email and immediately announces it’s time for a break. He slams cabinet doors with dramatic flair, sighs like he’s solving world peace, narrates every move loudly, and enters rooms with an air of exhausted importance—so everyone knows he must be doing something significant.

It’s hilarious. It’s ridiculous. And it’s… painfully familiar.

It made me realize that somewhere in every organization—there’s a version of that performative guy.

And maybe, at one point—when I was just starting out as a teacher, then a middle leader, and later as a senior leader—every time I stepped into something new, especially in those early months, that version was me. Maybe it’s all of us, at some point.

• The teacher who performs certainty to hide fear.
• The leader who overcompensates because they’re new, or unheard, or exhausted.
• The woman told to “sit at the table” but now wonders if she’s mimicking a leadership model she never even liked.

When Performance Replaces Presence

Performative leadership is what happens when we start acting out the role instead of living the responsibility.

It often looks like:

• Always having an answer (even when you don’t)
• Replying to emails at midnight to prove commitment
• Jumping into every conversation just to be seen
• Leading meetings as monologues, not dialogues
• Protecting your image more than your integrity

The hardest part? It rarely comes from arrogance.  It usually comes from fear. Or self-doubt. Or the overwhelming pressure to prove ourselves in roles we genuinely care about.

Let’s be real—leadership is vulnerable. We enter a new role and instantly feel the need to be: liked, respected, credible, and visible.

So, we perform. We become overly polished, overly busy, overly certain—because we’re trying to outrun the voice that whispers: “Am I enough for this?”

But the irony is: the more we perform, the further we drift from trust—the very thing we’re trying to build.

Performative leadership slowly chips away at authenticity. It trains people to follow your persona, not your principles. It breeds compliance, not commitment.

It creates distance—because no one can connect with the version of you that’s always right, always “on,” and never unsure.

Tips & Reframes: Moving from Performance to Presence

1. Notice your signals: When you find yourself saying things like: “We’ve always done it this way,” “Just trust me,” or even silence that masks discomfort—pause.

Ask yourself: Am I leading… or protecting something?

2. Watch your mirrors: Who do you shrink around? Who do you perform for? These instinctive reactions often reveal internalized fears or survival scripts from past environments.

3. Reclaim your authenticity: It’s okay to say: “I don’t know yet.” “Let’s think about that together.” “You tell me—what do you need?”

You’re not losing authority. You’re building trust.

4. Call in, not out: When you notice performative patterns in others, don’t shame. Invite.

Ask: “Is this what we actually value here?” Create space for real talk, realignment, and shared vulnerability.

Reframe: Presence Over Performance

Leadership isn’t about being the most impressive person in the room. It’s about being the safest one to stand next to.

And that often looks like:

• Saying “I don’t know”—and meaning it
• Letting others lead meetings you’re used to owning
• Prioritizing reflection over reaction
• Normalizing questions, doubts, and slow starts
• Protecting your boundaries, not just your reputation
• Speaking last, not first
• Asking “What do you need?” instead of “How do I fix this?”

Practice: How to Start (Without Needing to Be Perfect)

1.Name the pattern: When you feel yourself shifting into “polish mode”—pause. Ask: Am I here to serve, or impress?

2.Choose one space to stay messy: A team meeting. A student chat. A parent call. Let go of the need to have it all together—just be present.

3.Build one relationship where you can be fully yourself: Find someone who sees the real you—and reminds you that’s enough.

4.Let your team breathe: Permission is powerful. Normalize uncertainty. Invite feedback. Celebrate rest.

5.Be patient with yourself : This isn’t a one-time fix. It’s a muscle. You build it slowly—through daily reps of showing up real.

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If you recognize yourself here, know that you’re not broken. You’re not failing either. You’re probably just trying really hard— to care, belong,and lead well.

But what if this week you could try to let go a little?

Speak softer. Think longer. Show up real, unsure—but deeply grounded.

Because that version of you? That may be the leader your school needs most.

This post is your permission. 

To feel the tension.

To stay when it’s hard.

To lead with integrity.

To change your mind.

To drop the act.

To begin again.

You can love the school, the team, the mission…. And still long for a kind of leadership that feels more like home.

And maybe… just maybe… that’s the beginning of something better.