With all the many great events that go on in schools – obviously lessons; also sports fixtures, music performances, drama productions, service trip, adventurous expeditions etc – it’s easy to get caught up in the tasks we all have to get through – the assignments to complete, the marking, the logistics, the children to drop off or pick up, and so on. And there was a time I thought these were the most important things for our children; that ticking off the tasks was what it was all about.

But I have in recent years come to see things a little differently. If all we are interested in is ourselves, individually, then perhaps the tasks are the things on which to focus. I may not need to talk to anyone if I am checking my bank statement; but that’s a simply closed task that’s totally within my control. Education is never like that; and the more open, complex and important roles of parents and teachers are always about someone else. That’s because as our children turn into adults, we are forced to move from control to influence. That’s a difficult and sometimes painful process for all concerned, because while we want to shape minds, beliefs, values and so on, we can only observe events and actions.

So if we focus for a moment on the shaping of minds, it seems obvious that we have to allow our students to change their own minds – we cannot do that for them; the best we can do is to prompt and offer. And then it follows, I think, that a crucial part of this must be through conversations – because no matter what books, videos, even experiences we have, they are almost always unpacked, developed and embedded – which is to say, understood – through conversations.

It seems strange, therefore, that we tend to take the art of conversation for granted; to simply plough through them as and when they arise without really giving them much care. Most conversations are intuitive, unstructured and unintentional. It’s hard to imagine any other important area of our lives that we give so little attention to! Planning even mundane events like, say, shopping, usually involves thinking ahead a few weeks, making a list, considering alternatives, planning a time, having a clear sense of purpose and so on. But we often just launch into important, even crucial conversations with no equivalent preparations. The more I think about it, the more remarkable I think this is.

Many have been making determined efforts to address this issue – indeed whole genres and new jobs (eg life coach) have sprung up as a result of this approach  There now exist many conversation maps – that is, routes proven to ensure that conversations lead to their goal – deeper, better thinking. It’s actually quite a complicated business – solet me give you a very simple specific conversational strategy I have come across and intend to try out – a simple strategy to do with ensuring we influence, not just control. The strategy, called motivational interviewing, was developed by Mike Pantalon at Yale University. It’s a two step process and follows a certain protocol. Let’s say I am trying to persuade a tardy student to meet deadlines. I ask “On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you do meet the deadline?” The reply might be, “Well, I have a lot of other things on, so I guess a 4.” Now a natural instinct might be to respond “Not good enough! Make it a 9!” but the protocol is to instead follow up with the rather counter-intuitive “So, you are a 4; now tell me why you didn’t choose a lower number?’